Let’s not beat about the bush here! I want 3 children but the Other Half wants to stick at 2. On paper it doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but the reality is that he is asking me to give up on my dream. In all fairness maybe I am asking him to give up on his, but I am the one programmed to have children. I am the one whose heart says ‘more’ even though there are 101 reasons for my head to say ‘enough’, just like his does. Maybe, possibly, eventually, my head will rule over my heart, but for now I am far from coming to terms with the idea that little man and little lady are it! That thought just makes me mad or sad in equal measures. Until I see another baby that is. Then I just become hopeful again.
I am fortunate that I have the hope, the possibility that Other Half may yet change his mind. In Dolly Parton’s book, children just didn’t happen for her and her husband. Period. The wonderful work that she has gone on to do on behalf of so many children across the world has been amazing and I am in no doubt that the relationships formed with those children will have helped her to make peace with not having had her own.
One friend of mine had 5 miscarriages, but went on to have 5 children. Another friend of mine had 7 miscarriages and has since adopted 3 children. A third friend of mine has a child with special needs. As she says, she didn’t expect them to go to university, get married or have children necessarily, but she did expect them to be able to talk. But as she also says, you make your peace with it!
I am beginning to realise, peace isn’t about external circumstances or conditions placed upon you, it is about you accepting what is. Just accepting what it is. No more fighting, wishing or praying for it to be different. Not even hoping for it to be different. Just calling it what it is and getting on with it.
It’s a choice too. Something you decide to do from within. Judging from the experiences of my friends, it is a restful and tranquil place to be. Over this issue though, I am not ready to be there yet!